April 17, 2010
Church Game 101 – Climbing the Leadership Ladder of Success
Want to be treated like a KING or QUEEN?
You want the preeminent seats at church gatherings or even behind a pulpit?
Would you LOVE IT when people call you “Good Teacher, Leader, or even a Spiritual Father or Mother?”
Do the titles, “Prophet” “Prophetess” “Apostle” “Elder” “Minister” “Rev” “Dr.” or “Pastor” etc. sound mighty good to you on a resume or name plate?
Do you want to be looked at as Holy Spirit filled without much time or effort?
Then let me put you on to some CHURCH GAME 😉
There is one problem you say, “I’m just a layperson… how do you get to the level of church leadership which is only afforded to leaders in the congregation?”
Oh it is so QUICK AND EASY to do, just follow the simple steps outlined above to climb atop the ladder to the apex of Spiritual leadership amongst your very own flock!
- FIRST AND FOREMOST you have to join a church in your area. There is only one way to join a church, you MUST respond to an altar call and come to the front and be declared “saved” by the members present. Don’t worry you don’t have to display any of that “good fruit” that the bible talks about, just say the sinners prayer when they lead you and you will have “confessed with your mouth and believed in your heart that Jesus is Lord” whether you truly believe it or not. Go to whatever classes they tell you to go to and follow the program, and you are on your way to mastering church game….
“WAIT!!! You mean to tell me that I don’t even believe have to believe in this Christ? I can get the same benefits that believers in Christ do and even RULE OVER THEM by following these same steps?”
You sure can lil’ Diotrephes! WAIT! There is much more!!!
- SECONDLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY AFTER YOU ARE DECLARED A MEMBER, you’ve gotta PAY to PLAY. Pay your tithes and give offerings frequently and often. Yeah it is costly, but as with any business you have to start from somewhere… You will NEVER be looked upon as a good churchmen if you aren’t paying your church taxes. Once you are recognized as a faithful tither, you will be recognized as someone who is “faithful over a few things.”
- Go to church on Wed and Sun etc., and plan to spend ALL DAY there, and most church events outside of that. Be a road warrior and visit every church that your church visits. Oh you have a family, a job, a wife/husband? FORGET THEM…. church activities are more important than family time or taking care of the home. You will look so dedicated to the cause of Christ, that you may even be given privileges to make announcements and read scripture to the congregation.
- Dress SHARPLY every Sunday!!! Remember you MUST look like a good churchmen, men wear your suits and a tie and good shoes are a MUST. For the women, make sure your skirts (no pants) are super long to your knees and your tops are up to your chin with no makeup. Try to look as plain as possible, not too flashy bringing attention to yourself… Remember godly women are modest (or at least have the outward appearance of modesty) Remember that is the pastor’s job to blatantly exhibit false humility and look flashy…. you’ll have time to get there.
- Raise your hands during worship, it looks super spiritual, and it will put a sort of peer pressure on other members of the congregation to do the same, even when they don’t mean it. Soon you will have the leaders on your side telling the congregation “If you are still sitting down and not praising God you must not love God” Not like YOU DO that is 😉
- Speak in “tongues” and practice getting your “prayer language” on. For some churches this form of gibberish is required to look spiritual. Vain repetitions that resemble some pagan religions are totally acceptable.
- Go up to the line for prayer and get “laid out” once in a while by the pastor who is more than willing to push you down while the “catcher” in the back waits. Stay on the floor for a while and even shake uncontrollably like you are demon possessed. TRUST ME, you will look like you are blessed and highly favored.
- Run laps around the church and cut a good step once in a while. Don’t know how? Just watch the many churchmen around you who have followed my plan to the tee and just follow them. This takes much practice.
- For the men: If women of the church (who are probably watching you like a hawk if you are new) come over to you to talk, pretend to be the shy quiet male who isn’t interested in nothing at all but worship, keep the conversation totally spiritual while hiding your real intent to have your way with her…. she will think you are super spiritual, and because of the “spirit” telling her that you were her “husband,” you will probably have her in your bed by the end of the month. (Thanks Justin from P4CM LOL)
- For the women: Face it, you want the same things as the men, only you want to be looked on as the perfect little innocent church gal. You want nothing more than to be basking in the presence of the churchman who is on his way to preeminence… (that is why you are reading this note silly woman!) Do the same as the male above concerning being only interested in pleasing God, and the same results will follow. Stay away from the other catty gossiping women, who just want what you have. Oh but you want more, for one day you picture yourself in a place of preeminence,…. a trendy PROPHETESS maybe who will eventually try to dominate your man… so eventually your plain Jane looks will have to become more and more flashy and your mannerisms more manish… but THOSE WOMEN haven’t been put on to church game like you Lucifina 😉
- Don’t question any decisions or doctrines the church espouses, and don’t ruffle any feathers. In reality I know you could care less about doctrines anyway because that is not your aim, but you have to know the bible WELL, even the DEVIL knows the bible. Pay special attention to those churchly clichés (Don’t judge, You are to heavenly minded to be any earthly good etc.) and doctrines which in the future you can twist to maintain control over those you lead.
- If you have a family, they MUST come to church with you, even if they aren’t remotely interested. Your husband/wife must fit the specifications of the women and men above as far as dressing, tithing, and service is concerned in the church, and if they aren’t willing to come, well you can just blame that on them being heathens and ask the church to pray for them frequently while pretending to be sad about it.
- If you aspire to be a professional pastor, or be ordained eventually as a “Rev.” or even “Minister” be on every committee asked of you, and if possible strive for the “power ministries” like the deacon board or trustees, this is where you can get to the top. DO YOUR TIME, and play your role long enough you will be in a position of power in no time flat!
Give it some time and in NO TIME you will be highly respected and get the recognition of being a faithful church member. The possibilities are endless!
THIS IS JUST A SAMPLE OF ITEMS FROM MY NEW BOOK: THE PRETENDERS GUIDE TO CHURCH GAME
Graduates of My Church Game Academy:
Obama even used the fact that he was a “Christian” and attended church to win the Evangelical vote in 2008 to the presidency… you can’t get any more preeminent that THAT! Go head Obama you have church game on LOCK!
Al Sharpton is now Barack Obama’s flunky, but used his church game to “pulpiteer” himself as a “leader” in his own right for all sorts of useless causes like the Tawana Brawley case or the Jena 6. Most importantly, he is now considered THE LEADER for all Blacks who ever lived. Wow Al, Love the Hair!
Jamal Harrison Bryant
Another Church Game graduate who cheated on his wife as an “elder” but still garners respect from deluded church goers as a leader who exalts himself as “all that.” His flashy suits and flamboyant demeanor are sure marks he has graduated from CHURCH GAME ACADEMY!
Juanita Bynum II
Yes even WOMEN have used our program successfully! Juanita, while riding the coattails of T.D. Jakes (Another famous graduate) by first dressing in long skirts and being as plain as possible wrote her ticket to stardom. As her star rose she became more and more flamboyant and prominent by the day all by using our program. She packs stadiums of people who will listen to her ever word. GO JUANITA!
See we told you this was SUPER SIMPLE!
This is just one facet of Church Game, in the notes to come you will see how easy it is to have the best of both worlds, a highly respected Christian on the outside while being a heathen 5-6 days out of the week outside of the four walls of the church.