June 21, 2010
Does the IC Keep Black Women Single?
Posted in Church Game 101, False Beliefs about Attending Church, Healing Series, Misconceptions Dispelled tagged authoritarianism, Black women, Church Game 101, feminism, gender roles, homosexuality, Leadership, Marriage, Pastor, pimps in the pulpit, Single Women, Spiritual Covering, Spiritual Father, women at 2:06 pm by Set Free Indeed
I’m in a lighthearted mood today, and while perusing through my daily range of internet articles, I ran across this article by a woman named Deborrah Cooper entitled: “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.” Another article talking about the plight of the poor, useless, neglected, bottom-of-the-totem-pole-of-women, no-one-wants-her….. BLACK WOMAN. (I Kid LOL)
Let me first qualify this blog by saying that I too am an African-American woman who was part of a church with a majority African-American congregation. So who knows more about this subject than I? I have long wanted to write a blog on this dreadful subject.
Now let’s get to her premise, and it is far better to hear this from the horses mouth:
“Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!”
“This is the true reason that there are so many single, never married Black women in the United States – Black churches. Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.”
Now mind you, I recognize that Ms. Cooper is operating in the feminist element, and probably by all good odds isn’t born again, but it is amazing to me how much TRUTH unbelievers can see about the very institutions we as believers try to defend. In NO WAY do I promote feminism, or the false tolerance of sin she is promoting amongst many other things, I do not want her points to be lost in the muck and mire, for much of what she is saying here is valid.
My Take on Single Black Women and the IC
First of all, I agree with her in this: It has long been my opinion that IC’s, especially those who have majority African-American female congregations, indefinitely keep Black women dependent and reliant on their system of “going to church” and many remain single as a result. It is also the opinion of this blog writer that these leaders wouldn’t have it any other way. They love keeping their congregations in infancy and therefore totally dependent on the leadership for “spiritual food.” Since they are the majority in mostly African-American congregations, the money and efforts of Black women keep institutions afloat, and that is the demographic which will be catered to.
“Female members of the congregation support the church with monetary donations, organize fund-raising and social events, cook, clean, and provide assistance to the males with the titles and true power.”
That’s for sure. Black women under the guise of “working for the kingdom” remain in a state of indentured servitude in their single years to a pastor and said leadership of an institution. Before you know it, these women are in their 40’s and wondering why they haven’t gotten married, all the while toiling to advance the man-made kingdom of an Institutional Church. I have seen so many Black women convince themselves that their “service” is honorable to God, all the while they cry and ask God where is their husband? I speak from experience… I’ve been there.
“In most Black churches marriage is held up as the ideal state of existence; women that remain single are deemed to have some major flaw in attitude or ability. Thus, no single woman in the church wants to remain single because women are expected to marry and to bear children. For sistahs in the church, the pressure from family and fellow church members to marry can be so intense it may motivate her to make an fear-based decision to marry someone totally inappropriate. Such choices are made out of sheer desperation to avoid being single.”
BULLSEYE. The Black woman is forever made the eternal victim in this culture, especially in the churches because she doesn’t have a husband. Though marriage is honorable and to be held in high regard, the reality is that everyone isn’t meant to marry especially in these wicked last days. I have seen so many women’s “empowerment” conferences and other foolish ideologies that put it in a woman’s head that “your man is on his way” and “hold on” while ignoring the realities that keep Black women who attend an IC single. There is untold pressure on women to be married… true, and if a godly male finds you and wants to marry go for it, but pray tell where is any man going to find these women if they are stuck in the four walls of the IC? It has already been proven that men are not in attendance in these congregations, so it is almost a recipe for mating failure. I have also seen women marry any sorry emasculated loser in the IC because he was a faithful attendee, and therefore so desperate to get any man will go for any loser in a suit.
Men and the IC
The men you will find in the IC for the most part probably fit the description of the males Ms. Cooper has so brilliantly mentioned:
- A loser working a 12-step program. – Hahahahahahahaha! The IC is where sinners get “better,” and not necessarily saved…. and there is no better place for a unbelieving drug addict who has a form of godliness but denies the power thereof to snag an unsuspecting silly woman as a mate.
- Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying. – If this isn’t true I don’t know what is. Homosexuality is running rampant in the IC and there is a subculture of men who aren’t in any stretch interested in marrying you, but defiling themselves sexually with each other. Ugh.
- Opportunistic players on the prowl. – I have often heard unbelieving men say that the best place to pick up a desperate lonely “freak” who is willing to do anything to get and keep their man is the IC. I even heard a man tell me the reason he first joined a IC was to find a wife, but continues religiously to attend because of the messages and how he is trying to be a “better person.” Being born again wasn’t on his list of objectives.
- Elderly reformed players. – Oh yes the washed up, used-up, old as dirt has-been male who chose to wait his entire life to marry, often passing up good women to remain a “playa” in his 20-40’s, only to find a woman in her 20’s – 30’s who is desperate to marry, and more than willing to take care of him and change his Depends.
I have seen all of these examples PERSONALLY.
“…no man of strength and purpose is going to go to church and have some other man judge him, tell him that he is wrong or bad, or tell him what to do. Therefore, you can bet if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him.”
I couldn’t have said this better Ms. Cooper. Christian men are not anywhere interested in being lorded over by other men, or having any other covering other than Christ. Just look at the worship services today at your local church, and you will see that most aspects cater to women and their emotional needs. The highly emotional, sappy, “punkish” worship in no way appeals to (heterosexual) males.
Men are often emasculated, ignored and belittled in IC’s told to “submit to their leaders,” and “wait their turn,” and are only allowed to demonstrate leadership ability after they have effectively kissed the behinds of all the male and female leaders at the IC. Women are more susceptible to submitting to the “covering” of authoritarian male leadership because it is in our nature and the natural order for women to submit, and be covered by a godly man, but it is against a man’s nature for such to occur. Men are born leaders, and while more than capable of being humble and taking heed to sound teaching and advice, they are programmed to DO, WORK, LEAD, PROTECT, ETC. They aren’t interested in staying in infancy and remaining submissive to other men, and this is why in a nutshell you will not find many godly masculine men, especially Black men, in IC’s today.
So You Really Want a Husband?
Sorry ladies if you are looking for a Christian man, you won’t find him for the most part in a IC. Now if you are a woman of action who is on the mission field, and maybe thinking outside of the box concerning where to find a Christian male, with prayer, you may run into a suitable Christian man who will be interested in courting you. If you are stuck in a building most of the week where men aren’t present, you’re going to remain single. I have often said to women that if they are indeed looking to be found by a husband, they’ll might do what Ruth did, and lay at his feet…. possibly in Starbucks, the art gallery, or your local sporting event…. and definitely not “the church.”
I also agree with something else Ms. Cooper has mentioned: Black women, your husband may not be your same race. There other races of Christian men out there who might like you, but because we are the self-appointed “saviors of the Black race” and the “backbone” of our communities, that we have put undue pressure on Black women to marry within their race. Open your hearts to the possibility that your mate may not be African-American. Why do you think that men stereotypically go after other races of women who are known to be quiet and submissive to their husbands? If we are willing to keep it real with ourselves as women, humble ourselves, and check our attitudes and bitter dispositions at the door, maybe God will show us what the problem is, renew our minds, and make us ready for a mate.
Speaking of the problem….
Feminism and the Black Woman – The Hard Truth
I already know that you are tired of individuals offering up “solutions” to the Black woman’s plight as if you are some helpless invalid. Trust me, if you are in Christ, the answer lies within YOU through the Spirit as to what the issues are. Let me offer a suggestion: God has already given us the blueprint ladies, and while women like Deborrah Cooper might mean well, she is fighting the losing battle every feminist fights against her very purpose as a woman. We must stop fighting our nature as women. Black women have fallen for the feminist spiel hook line and sinker and she is paying for it. The harsh reality is that no man wants an overly aggressive, loud, combative, argumentative, domineering woman who is unwilling to submit as a wife, and feminism breeds such a woman. These are not the characteristics of a godly woman… She is a creature made by God to give Him glory. She was made to be a strong woman no doubt, clothed in dignity, who is a nurturer, loving, emotional, and with a QUIET spirit, follows the lead of a godly man for who she was created to be a helpmeet. It doesn’t mean you are a doormat ladies, but if you are having a violent reaction to what I’m saying, don’t be surprised as to why you remain single. I REPEAT no man wants an overly aggressive, loud, combative, argumentative, domineering woman who is unwilling to submit as a wife. GET IT? Black women, many of which have grown up in matriarchal households, still hold on to the overly aggressive, gun totin’, attitude havin’, neck rollin’, ain’t taking no mess big mama “Madea” persona. Do I need to tell you how undesirable that is for a man?
The Pimping of the Black Christian Woman
Unfortunately there are many out there who take advantage of these wonderful godly qualities in women, many of whom are single and grew up in single parent households, by catering to our unstable emotions and our desire to have a covering in a godly man. More often than not I see Black women in IC’s transpose those desires for covering unto the male leadership of an IC especially the dominant figurehead of a Pastor. Black women are being pimped out by the leadership in many IC’s today, and it is about time someone spoke about it. Your pastor is not your spiritual father, your husband, or your pimp, and you are not a groupie. Pastors are here to properly guide the people of God to the GOOD SHEPHERD, and your service to a pastor or spiritual leader is not necessarily pleasing to God… and it DEFINITELY WILL NOT GET YOU A HUSBAND. Your ungodly devotion to the ideals and vision of an IC will more often than not lead to resentment in the males at the congregation, who will never marry you because they know you will favor your pastor or favorite spiritual leader over HIS leadership.
Like I said earlier, it is obvious that the goals for marriage for an unbelieving woman will differ from that of a godly woman. There is no doubt that believers should marry other believers. TRUST me you do not want a man to be your head who is a child of the Devil. Do not let the current state of the IC push you into marrying any unbeliever. he will certainly give you grief, and cause you to transgress against God. Just because there aren’t many eligible men in the IC, doesn’t mean that the pool of godly men who are genuinely born again cannot be found. Be willing to think differently… outside of the box if you will, but not as far as Deborrah Cooper is trying to suggest.
All in all evidence does seem to suggest that membership in an IC puts you as a woman regardless of race at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage, but you don’t have to be lonely, abide in the Vine which is Christ, and he will give you the desires of your heart, including that godly man. I like what the scriptures say, “with man this is impossible, but with GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.”
I’m really looking forward to your feedback on this one.