June 21, 2010

Does the IC Keep Black Women Single?

Posted in Church Game 101, False Beliefs about Attending Church, Healing Series, Misconceptions Dispelled tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , at 2:06 pm by Set Free Indeed

I’m in a lighthearted mood today, and while perusing through my daily range of internet articles, I ran across this article by a woman named Deborrah Cooper entitled: “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.” Another article talking about the plight of the poor, useless, neglected, bottom-of-the-totem-pole-of-women, no-one-wants-her….. BLACK WOMAN. (I Kid LOL)

Let me first qualify this blog by saying that I too am an African-American woman who was part of a church with a majority African-American congregation. So who knows more about this subject than I? I have long wanted to write a blog on this dreadful subject.

Now let’s get to her premise, and it is far better to hear this from the horses mouth:

“Black women have an inordinate amount of faith in both Black men and Black churches. My position is that such blind and unwavering faith in either is misplaced. It is my belief that the Black church, structured around traditional gender roles which makes women submissive to and inferior to men, greatly limits females. Single Black women sitting in church every Sunday are being subtly brainwashed, soothed and placated into waiting without demand for what they want to magically come to them. Who is doing this to Black women? The male standing at the front of the Church in the role of spiritual leader, that’s who!”

A hypothesis…

“This is the true reason that there are so many single, never married Black women in the United States – Black churches. Black women should abandon Black churches and focus more on themselves, their needs and those of their children than those of Black men or a religion which Black men use to castigate and control an entire race of women.”

Now mind you, I recognize that Ms. Cooper is operating in the feminist element, and probably by all good odds isn’t born again, but it is amazing to me how much TRUTH unbelievers can see about the very institutions we as believers try to defend. In NO WAY do I promote feminism, or the false tolerance of sin she is promoting amongst many other things, I do not want her points to be lost in the muck and mire, for much of what she is saying here is valid.

My Take on Single Black Women and the IC

First of all, I agree with her in this: It has long been my opinion that IC’s, especially those who have majority African-American female congregations, indefinitely keep Black women dependent and reliant on their system of “going to church” and many remain single as a result. It is also the opinion of this blog writer that these leaders wouldn’t have it any other way. They love keeping their congregations in infancy and therefore totally dependent on the leadership for “spiritual food.” Since they are the majority in mostly African-American congregations, the money and efforts of Black women keep institutions afloat, and that is the demographic which will be catered to.

“Female members of the congregation support the church with monetary donations, organize fund-raising and social events, cook, clean, and provide assistance to the males with the titles and true power.”

That’s for sure. Black women under the guise of “working for the kingdom” remain in a state of indentured servitude in their single years to a pastor and said leadership of an institution. Before you know it, these women are in their 40’s and wondering why they haven’t gotten married, all the while toiling to advance the man-made kingdom of an Institutional Church. I have seen so many Black women convince themselves that their “service” is honorable to God, all the while they cry and ask God where is their husband? I speak from experience… I’ve been there.

“In most Black churches marriage is held up as the ideal state of existence; women that remain single are deemed to have some major flaw in attitude or ability. Thus, no single woman in the church wants to remain single because women are expected to marry and to bear children. For sistahs in the church, the pressure from family and fellow church members to marry can be so intense it may motivate her to make an fear-based decision to marry someone totally inappropriate. Such choices are made out of sheer desperation to avoid being single.”

BULLSEYE. The Black woman is forever made the eternal victim in this culture, especially in the churches because she doesn’t have a husband. Though marriage is honorable and to be held in high regard, the reality is that everyone isn’t meant to marry especially in these wicked last days. I have seen so many women’s “empowerment” conferences and other foolish ideologies that put it in a woman’s head that “your man is on his way” and “hold on” while ignoring the realities that keep Black women who attend an IC single. There is untold pressure on women to be married… true, and if a godly male finds you and wants to marry go for it,  but pray tell where is any man going to find these women if they are stuck in the four walls of the IC? It has already been proven that men are not in attendance in these congregations, so it is almost a recipe for mating failure. I have also seen women marry any sorry emasculated loser in the IC because he was a faithful attendee, and therefore so desperate to get any man will go for any loser in a suit.

Men and the IC

The men you will find in the IC for the most part probably fit the description of the males Ms. Cooper has so brilliantly mentioned:

  • A loser working a 12-step program.  – Hahahahahahahaha! The IC is where sinners get “better,” and not necessarily saved…. and there is no better place for a unbelieving drug addict who has a form of godliness but denies the power thereof to snag an unsuspecting silly woman as a mate.
  • Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying.  – If this isn’t true I don’t know what is. Homosexuality is running rampant in the IC and there is a subculture of men who aren’t in any stretch interested in marrying you, but defiling themselves sexually with each other. Ugh.
  • Opportunistic players on the prowl. – I have often heard unbelieving men say that the best place to pick up a desperate lonely “freak” who is willing to do anything to get and keep their man is the IC. I even heard a man tell me the reason he first joined a IC was to find a wife, but continues religiously to attend because of the messages and how he is trying to be a “better person.” Being born again wasn’t on his list of objectives.
  • Elderly reformed players. – Oh yes the washed up, used-up, old as dirt has-been male who chose to wait his entire life to marry, often passing up good women to remain a “playa” in his 20-40’s, only to find a woman in her 20’s – 30’s who is desperate to marry, and more than willing to take care of him and change his Depends.

I have seen all of these examples PERSONALLY.

“…no man of strength and purpose is going to go to church and have some other man judge him, tell him that he is wrong or bad, or tell him what to do. Therefore, you can bet if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him.”

I couldn’t have said this better Ms. Cooper. Christian men are not anywhere interested in being lorded over by other men, or having any other covering other than Christ. Just look at the worship services today at your local church, and you will see that most aspects cater to women and their emotional needs. The highly emotional, sappy, “punkish” worship in no way appeals to (heterosexual) males.

Men are often emasculated, ignored and belittled in IC’s told to “submit to their leaders,” and “wait their turn,” and are only allowed to demonstrate leadership ability after they have effectively kissed the behinds of all the male and female leaders at the IC. Women are more susceptible to submitting to the “covering” of authoritarian male leadership because it is in our nature and the natural order for women to submit, and be covered by a godly man, but it is against a man’s nature for such to occur. Men are born leaders, and while more than capable of being humble and taking heed to sound teaching and advice, they are programmed to DO, WORK, LEAD, PROTECT, ETC. They aren’t interested in staying in infancy and remaining submissive to other men, and this is why in a nutshell you will not find many godly masculine men, especially Black men, in IC’s today.

So You Really Want a Husband?

Sorry ladies if you are looking for a Christian man, you won’t find him for the most part in a IC. Now if you are a woman of action who is on the mission field, and maybe thinking outside of the box concerning where to find a Christian male, with prayer, you may run into a suitable Christian man who will be interested in courting you. If you are stuck in a building most of the week where men aren’t present, you’re going to remain single. I have often said to women that if they are indeed looking to be found by a husband, they’ll might do what Ruth did, and lay at his feet…. possibly in Starbucks, the art gallery,  or your local sporting event…. and definitely not “the church.”

I also agree with something else Ms. Cooper has mentioned: Black women, your husband may not be your same race. There other races of Christian men out there who might like you, but because we are the self-appointed “saviors of the Black race” and the “backbone” of our communities, that we have put undue pressure on Black women to marry within their race. Open your hearts to the possibility that your mate may not be African-American. Why do you think that men stereotypically go after other races of women who are known to be quiet and submissive to their husbands? If we are willing to keep it real with ourselves as women, humble ourselves, and check our attitudes and bitter dispositions at the door, maybe God will show us what the problem is, renew our minds, and make us ready for a mate.

Speaking of the problem….

Feminism and the Black Woman – The Hard Truth

I already know that you are tired of individuals offering up “solutions” to the Black woman’s plight as if you are some helpless invalid. Trust me, if you are in Christ, the answer lies within YOU through the Spirit as to what the issues are. Let me offer a suggestion: God has already given us the blueprint ladies, and while women like Deborrah Cooper might mean well, she is fighting the losing battle every feminist fights against her very purpose as a woman. We must stop fighting our nature as women. Black women have fallen for the feminist spiel hook line and sinker and she is paying for it. The harsh reality is that no man wants an overly aggressive, loud, combative, argumentative, domineering woman who is unwilling to submit as a wife, and feminism breeds such a woman. These are not the characteristics of a godly woman… She is a creature made by God to give Him glory. She was made to be a strong woman no doubt, clothed in dignity, who is a nurturer, loving, emotional, and with a QUIET spirit, follows the lead of a godly man for who she was created to be a helpmeet. It doesn’t mean you are a doormat ladies, but if you are having a violent reaction to what I’m saying, don’t be surprised as to why you remain single. I REPEAT no man wants an overly aggressive, loud, combative, argumentative, domineering woman who is unwilling to submit as a wife. GET IT? Black women, many of which have grown up in matriarchal households, still hold on to the overly aggressive, gun totin’, attitude havin’, neck rollin’, ain’t taking no mess big mama “Madea” persona. Do I need to tell you how undesirable that is for a man?

The Pimping of the Black Christian Woman

Unfortunately there are many out there who take advantage of these wonderful godly qualities in women, many of whom are single and grew up in single parent households, by catering to our unstable emotions and our desire to have a covering in a godly man. More often than not I see Black women in IC’s transpose those desires for covering unto the male leadership of an IC especially the dominant figurehead of a Pastor. Black women are being pimped out by the leadership in many IC’s today, and it is about time someone spoke about it. Your pastor is not your spiritual father, your husband, or your pimp, and you are not a groupie. Pastors are here to properly guide the people of God to the GOOD SHEPHERD, and your service to a pastor or spiritual leader is not necessarily pleasing to God… and it DEFINITELY WILL NOT GET YOU A HUSBAND. Your ungodly devotion to the ideals and vision of an IC will more often than not lead to resentment in the males at the congregation, who will never marry you because they know you will favor your pastor or favorite spiritual leader over HIS leadership.


Like I said earlier, it is obvious that the goals for marriage for an unbelieving woman will differ from that of a godly woman. There is no doubt that believers should marry other believers. TRUST me you do not want a man to be your head who is a child of the Devil. Do not let the current state of the IC push you into marrying any unbeliever. he will certainly give you grief, and cause you to transgress against God. Just because there aren’t many eligible men in the IC, doesn’t mean that the pool of godly men who are genuinely born again cannot be found. Be willing to think differently… outside of the box if you will, but not as far as Deborrah Cooper is trying to suggest.

All in all evidence does seem to suggest that membership in an IC puts you as a woman regardless of race at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage, but you don’t have to be lonely, abide in the Vine which is Christ, and he will give you the desires of your heart, including that godly man. I like what the scriptures say, “with man this is impossible, but with GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.”

I’m really looking forward to your feedback on this one.


  1. […] She wasn’t black, but apparently I’ve decided that that’s irrelevant.https://setfreefromtheic.wordpress.com/2010/06/21/single-black-women-in-church/ […]

  2. I agree with alot of things that was said in the main article because I experienced it in church for myself .So I find a lot of the points to be true.It happens just like that . But if men would lead by example a not just talk a good one then things would began to get better for some of us sisters who are waiting on a godly man .A true Godly man ,a man after God’s heart and not the heart of the flesh but of the spirit . I don’t believe that God speaks in circles when it comes to his church and the way he wants us to act .Some things people never will understand because they are spiritually discerned and they can not be viewed through the natural to get the complete understanding .

  3. Gc said,

    Deborah Cooper!? You aren’t serious or are not born again yourself. Like you said, she’s obviously not a believer, yet you say she makes “valid”points about the black church. Let me first say that anyone who desires to attend a church based on it’s racial makeup as opposed to a church that will teach you how to have a personal relationship with god and teach you how to live this christian life needs to examine their heart and god’s word. You have misunderstood something. Are there false prophets in churches? Maybe the majority are false. But you’ll only know that if you study the word for yourself and learn what the scriptures intended to say as opposed to a “pastor’s” interpretation. Secondly, a true child of god won’t have an easy time finding a mate because gods true children are so few numerically. If you live your life by what proceeds from the mouth of god, you can determine very easily who’s a true believer and who isn’t. You will know them by their fruits… Anyway, don’t take advice from unbelievers. She pointed out some flaws, but can she point you in the RIGHT direction?

  4. As I sit and look at all the posts, even my own, I wonder….has anyone taken into account free will? If women are being ‘exploited’, then that means they have chosen to be in that condition, because they have that freedom to choose. Just a thought.

  5. Gloria musoke said,

    I totally agree with this, black godly women must be submissive and gentle in spirit. I’m so tired of these mega churches that use single women for their personal gain like women thou art loose its absolute rubbish it totally goes against what the bible calls women to be.

    • What is this focus on so-called ‘mega churches’. Some of the storefronts have a grip on silly women’s psyches too. As a matter of truth, this speaking out against ‘mega churches’ is motivated by people who went and weren’t sent, and the assembling they have isn’t more than 20 people, all of whom are family…..
      The Body of CHRIST is a mega church. JESUS had the inhabitants of 10 cities following HIM and many women served in HIS Ministry. Or have you not read that in the Bible?
      As for ‘godly’ women….most don’t even know what or how to be GODly, and they resist anyone trying to help them be so….unteachable and ornery, like mules.

  6. There are some actual men of GOD who are not in a 12 step, closeted, elderly, or opportunistic.
    Which brings me to the unmarried black women: How perfect are you??????

  7. No, the IC if that’s what you want to call it, doesn’t keep so-called black women single. Their bitterness, low self esteem, pride, arrogance and most of all, their unteachability makes them unworthy of a true man of GOD.
    I watch as some of you come in dressed to impress with your flesh, eyes greedy for any man’s attention, no matter who, unwilling to humble yourselves to the LORD and learn from HIM.
    The pastors don’t ask for your idolatry, you give it to them freely.
    So start taking responsibility for your loneliness, your flesh driven desires, and stop blaming the so-called institutional church. You shouldn’t be going to church for any other reason than to develop your character in CHRIST among the saints.

  8. rtyecript said,

    I really liked the article, and the very cool blog

  9. Godlysoldier said,

    Kudos Jam! My husband did find me within the IC, however, we listened to the Holy Spirit’s prompting to marry and not the “passah.” Eventually, we both saw the light and came out of the IC. Thank God, because the last IC we were at, marraiges in LEADERSHIP were the very ones that were falling apart, and the “passah” was only concerned about the needs of the “building” being met and his desires being catered to!

    My husband is an awesome “man of God” and truly loves me as Christ loves the church; and I have absolutely NO PROBLEM submitting to him because I understand God’s (not man’s) biblical order of a Godly marriage. When God is truly at the forefront of your marriage (and not just an after thought) you cannot help but to have a blessed marriage. I praise God everyday for my marriage and pray for the sanctity of Godly marriages and those desiring to marry.

  10. Jam said,

    I grew up in a Pentecostal IC and while I didn’t necessarily see that there was an attempt to keep women single, I did see that the leaders do not promote the union of marriage the way they should. I watched my mother work and work and work for years while her marriage was in TOTAL demonic oppression! Instead of the church encouraging her to step back from working and teach her how to seek deliverance in her marriage they just used her until she got sick, dried up and died. It was more important for them to use her abilities (and she had many) than to seek God for discernment in order to help her. She lived her entire life believing the lie that working in church was part of salvation. While I see absolutely nothing wrong with working in the church it should never take the place of what God has ordained for marriage. A woman should not be more loyal or submissive to her pastor than she is toward her husband. She should never put more energy into church service than she puts into her marriage. When it was my time to get married I was working a lot in a certain department. When I told the leaders that I wanted to take time off before and after the wedding they were very offended. They do not care about marriages. They just want people who will tithe and work. Thank God I came out. I am not against the assembling of believers nor am I against the five-fold ministry. They are both very important. But I will not attend fellowship where the leaders work people like slaves and teach half-truths in order to maintain control over people. I have let go of the bitterness I had towards those leaders because God has shown me that they were brainwashed too by the heads of that denomination.

    • You said: A woman should not be more loyal or submissive to her pastor than she is toward her husband. She should never put more energy into church service than she puts into her marriage.


    • true

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    be blessed! I look forward to reading more of your wisdom!

  12. L.d. Carter said,

    Stuff like this is exactly why I’m an Atheist. You’d be surprised how many black women have passed me up because of my Atheist beliefs, despite how good of a guy I am. But yet, they’ll put up with virtually anything from a guy who believes in “god,” just because he’s a christian. You’re talking about being backwards. I live in the south, by the way, the home of the most extreme christians in America. I’ve come to the conclusion a long time ago that christians are mindless idiots.

    This is precisely why I deem religion the most evil force on the earth. The whole purpose of religion is to separate and control people. But for some reason, black people just don’t get the point. I reached a point a long time ago where I would not date anyone who believed in any religion. I’ve never understood how a philosophy that’s supposed to teach so-called “love,” can be the root of so much hate. A person will literally turn away great people just because they don’t practice the same religion faith as them. It’s sad because people know that religion is all bullshit, but they’re deathly afraid to bring themselves to realize it. Their excuse is “that’s just how I was raised!” Which again proves how mindless they are. I’m sure that the religious zealots will hate what I’m saying, even though it’s true.

    • Luci said,

      Wise women they are to pass you up, too! No one wants a man who is his own god; no woman in her right mind, at least. No Christian woman (note that I didn’t say ‘pew-warmer’) would ever consider an atheist as a mate for they are their own standard. And when that is the case, there is nothing that mitigates their treating you in any old fashion.

      May every Christian woman who lays eyes on you head for the hills! I mean that.

    • Ernestine Sparks said,

      Mr. Carter
      You say you are an atheist, please tell me why you are reading a blog that caters to christians? Why aren’t you reading an atheist blog?There is something wrong with what you are saying and what you are reading and commenting on.If I were a non-believer I would not be caught dead reading a blog that focuses on christian issues. Why do you care? It does not matter to me what atheist think or believe. So why does it matter to you what christians are bloging?

  13. Dave Gilbert said,

    Good article.

    As for some of the comments, it’s rather easy to tell those who have been “listening” to the Lord in the spiritual sense, and those that are still listening in the fleshly sense.

    I sense this article in particular seems to be dredging up some of the bad feelings out there over past treatment…maltreatment at the hands of those who CALL themselves Christians.

    A godly man does NOT treat his wife the way this article describes…that should tell you right away who we are dealing with here. I’ll spell it out for you: THEY’RE NOT GOD’S CHILDREN. If they were truly regenerate, they would be desiring to obey and love God, not some “pastor” or “church”.

    I’m reminded of some very important things Scripture says about men, women and how we (as saints of God) fit together in the body of Christ. I’ll sum it up using parts of Ephesians 5:

    “Submitting yourselves one to another…” “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord…” “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it…”.

    It could stop there, but it doesn’t. God gets more detailed in many passages, for good reason, but I won’t go into it as it would fill pages.

    As for translations, I only use the most accurate one. No “study notes”, I ignore “headings” and italics, and I try to find one that isn’t self-pronouncing if I can. If this isn’t important to some of you, then so be it….but EVERY word of God is important and sacred to me, so much so that I only want to read what was actually said by Him.

    Dave Gilbert

  14. Joshua said,

    Good article. God bless you.

  15. Karen G said,

    Deb is right on the money.

    i am flabbergasted to hear all this subjugation nonsense; it just won’t go away. People are TOLD what the Bible teaches and swallow it hook, line, sinker, and boat, then condemn people who disagree. Glad I am out of the institution.

    A Greek lesson for you. The Eph 5 passage that is misused as a license for men to domineer is one sentence starting with v21, submit to ONE ANOTHER. Yet most translations separate this and make a separate heading usually entitled “wives and husbands,” thus skewing the whole thing.

    A good resource that is sound and scholarly for Biblical Equality: http://www.cbeinternational.org/?q=content/free-articles

  16. Every scripture I have read says that Jesus is the SON of God, not that Jesus is God. So I am wondering where you got that from. You are confused. I don’t believe the Bible is 100% anything, as it is written in an allegorical fashion and not meant to be interpreted literally. Sadly, too many Black people don’t know that, and take the words they read and try to apply them in a literal fashion. Wrongamundo dude.

    And sir the only reason you want a woman to be submissive is definitely becasue you aren’t strong yourself. No one needs to feel taller by standing on someone else’s head unless they feel short and inadequate. That is the essence of the Beta male that demands female submission.

    • Eddy Lepatio said,


      Indeed, Jesus is the Son of God, but Jesus IS God, too. I explain: let us get to the living Word of God to see what It has to say.
      Proof 1:
      In John 1:1, It says, “the Word was God” and John 1:14 says, “and the Word was made flesh”. We should both agree that the Word made flesh is our Lord Jesus Christ, and as the Word is God, then Jesus is God.

      Proof 2:
      Jesus says in John 10:30 that “I and the Father are one.” Here, we can both see that Jesus is, again, God. Now let us talk a little bit about the Holy Spirit: the Father (the Creator and Judge), the Son (the Lord of Lords, the Shepherd and Redeemer) and the Holy Spirit (the Counselor and Achiever). All three make a single God. Now, a relevant way to understand this is as water. Water can be liquid, solid and gazeous, but at the end of the day, all three are still water! Simple right?

      Now, let us get to the submissive woman. You basically believe that men who want submissive women are not strong. Well, let us see what the Bible has to say about that.
      Ephesians 5:22-24 “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”
      1 Corinthians 11:8-9 “For man is not from woman, but woman from man. Nor was man created for the woman, but woman for the man.”
      1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands…”
      I mean, we can find unlimited commands about woman’s submission to man. So, you cannot blame a man for wanting a submissive woman. It is biblical for a woman to be submissive. It’s God’s Word, but man’s. You’re not going to question the Word of God, are you?

      However, it is by NO MEANS an opportunity for a man to take advantage of it. The Bible also commands husbands to love their wives AS THEIR OWN BODIES.

      God bless you. 🙂

    • I believe submission is for each person to submit one to another as unto to christ .It is a way of showing Godly love to one another .God doesn’t desire confusion in marriages but niether does he want a husband being controling an hurting his wife .If a man truly loves God than he will love his wife .The bible gives an example of this by saying would a man hit himself no he wouldn’t hurt himsef unless he is crazy ,so treat your wife in the same fashion .

  17. AlexN117 said,

    It seems to me Ms. Cooper that you believe you are a Christian though your words are very Anti-God, Yes I am a man but I do not believe in making a woman my door mat, and yes I want a submissive woman. However it is not because I am weak but because that is very feminine and attractive to me. Why would I want a woman who will fight me on everything or almost everything I do in defiance, I do not want to have to break someone into obeying me as that is a red flag that the lady is probably not even Christian… and if she is and that’s a big if! then she is at best a baby in Christ and not worth my time, but most importantly it is the way God wants things to be. Now if you don’t believe the bible is 100% true then please stop believing in Jesus completely, because if you knock off the bible as the infallible word of God then you knock out Jesus because that wonderful man is in that very same bible. If you can’t believe all of it then you contradict yourself for believing any of it. And we all Know Jesus was a historical person, spoken of by historians as a man of sorcery and a man who performed miracles. So this means since he was real and since his word has not been corrupted we can rest assured that the bible is the word of God since Jesus is obviously God. You can go to this link and have your world changed forever or you could not! and still lack any form of perspective from a bible believing Christian’s view point. http://www.hulu.com/watch/141396/case-for-christ

  18. Oh I forgot to add that the defintion of a “feminist” you set out is straight out of the IC girlfriend. A feminist means nothing more than a woman that expects to have rights and opportunities equal to that of a male – to not be denied said rights and opportunties simply because of gender. That’s it! Being pro-female does not mean that one is anti-male, which is the spin Black men have put on feminism. All the other negative associations that BM have placed on “feminists” are derived from their strong desire to keep women in place serving them. I wrote an article on submission which you can find on my blog enttiled “Why Weak Men Want Submissive Women.” A man who is strong himself has no need for a meek submissive woman that cowtows to his every whim.

    Lastly, the adjectives “overly aggressive, loud, combative, argumentative, domineering woman who is unwilling to submit as a wife,” is not limited to unbelievers, nor is it limited to feminists. As a matter of fact, the feminists I know have a quiet determination and strength and are NOT the loud combative SheNayNay types of females. Those are the little ghetto hoochies or the educated sistahs with an axe to grind that behave in such a manner.

    But it is important to note that there will be no change in Black churches or the lot of women if females do not stand up and fight for our rights to be whatever we want to be, unhindered by biological functions of gender. This issue of existing to please and support men was addressed in my article Women Are Socialized to Be Codependent (http://survivingdating.com/?p=1215).

    I do not believe women are slated to be anything to men based on religion, whch is written by men to control entire nations of people. Nope, women are the natural leaders of the world, the strength, the peacemakers, the source of life. WOMEN, not men.

    • I agree with what you said about a real man is not offended by a woman being loud .Most men use this same nonsense to control women into being a sucka .

  19. Hey, thanks for the well put review. I have this to say though – just because a man is “a believer” doesn’t make him any better than a man that is not. THat is the problem with CHristian women and a big problem with the relationships we have. Most Black men are believers, they just don’t go to church! So why does that make them a poor choice for a mate? It DOES NOT. That is my whole premise. Good Black men, believers, that will love honor and cherish you will not be found in church, and if a woman myopically looks for such a man within the confines of that churchouse, she will forever be lonely.

    Thank you for getting it girlfriend. Eloquent, thoughtful and right on the money. Love it.

    • ExPartyGirl said,

      Disagree with the comment “because a man is “a believer” doesn’t make him any better than a man that is not”, he SHOULD be better, in that he is a new creation in Jesus Christ and will (should) sacrifice himself to his wife, as Christ has sacrficed himself for the church. A believer looks to God as the ultimate LEAD of the household, whearas an unbeliever as a husband looks to himself as the end all leadership to his household. So the question is: are the unbelievers that act as better husbands than some who call themselves Christians? Yes. But therein lies the issue- most who call themselves Christians and act outright stank as a husband, as just “so called” Christians and truly not bible Jesus followers.

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